GUESTBREAKER: You Want Me to Take You Seriously After Starring on Degrassi
Every child star has a bit of a realization that they don’t want to be typecast. They want to dirty up their image and become more accessible to the rest of the world. But not every child star is a black actor named Aubrey Graham who just happened to play a wheelchair-bound basketball player on Canada’s most laughable drama.
You love rap. We get it. But your name is Aubrey. YOUR NAME IS AUBREY. You cannot change your name to Drake and expect me to take you seriously. You cannot talk about sex without taking me back to the time you and Ashley were trying to have sex and ended up not being ready, so you made condom balloon animals instead. CONDOM BALLOON ANIMALS. There is almost nothing less street than that.
So the next time you want to really intimidate us, maybe by guesting on a Kanye West or Kid Cudi song telling us how much “swagger” you have, please remember this: your name is Aubrey. Your name is not Drake. And nothing you do, no amount of women you make say “oh oh oh” when you “poke her face” (which NEVER fucking happens, by the way) will ever make us forget where you came from. And you came from the basketball courts of Degrassi Junior High. Which is pretty much the basketball court of Hang Time.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Alice.
Alice gets where I’m coming from. AUBREY has potential but is HIGHLY overrated (past the point of no return, in my opinion). Plus, when I met him at a Wale show, he was the most awkward person I’ve ever shaken hands with.
Tweet? Follow? Okay, whatever.
Obviously, I had to follow. I love Dave & Marisa like bros.
DEALMAKER: THAT ASS
DAMN, GIRL.
Anyone who’s seen the episode of SNL where Ludacris hosts knows how incomparably happy this makes me.
DEALMAKER: You Have a Beard
Perhaps it is written into my lady DNA from centuries past. Whatever the reason: if you have a beard, I am 50% more likely to bone you. If you’re doing even one other thing right, your odds are now stupid favorable. Without even trying, your beard makes me think you have good taste in music, that your schlubby clothes are indie rock cool, and that you have the air of a potent, but gentle lover. Let’s do this, Mountain Man.
Suck it, M.
Dealbreaker: The Motion Picture! [a.k.a. Yes Man!]
Marisa: I'm your dumb friend who tells you to go on 100 dates
Dave: For inspiration for the blog.
Marisa: Yeah, but then you end up falling in love.
Dave: well duh
Marisa: and the girl gets mad that it was for a blog and runs away but then comes back. On a bridge or something
Dave: "this was just for a stupid blog?!"
Marisa: yep
Dave: "Yes, well, no, I can explain! I mean, at first it was!" But then, something happened. Something different. Something...wonderful"
Marisa: too late, she's already gone! You need a bold romantic gesture!
Dave: A skywriting plane at her outdoor garden party!
Marisa: The band is tipped off to play silly romantic song that references some shared experience. Of course, you do something romantic/embarrassing.
Dave: Clearly I'm the one singing with the band. "Allison" by Elvis Costello.
Marisa: Yeah. You take the stage…
Dave: (they're always conveniently named Allison)
Marisa: She tries to look mad but just covers her mouth and smiles and checks in with her friends.
Dave: her friends = 1 black girl, 1 asian girl, and a redhead.
Marisa: Yup. She takes the stage and then smooches you and then smushes a cake in your face or something. Everyone celebrates.
Dave: Next scene is us on a boat together. Being steered by a wacky character from earlier in the movie
Marisa: She's pregnant or holding a baby.
Dave: The eccentric man who owns the store where I got the girl her favorite necklace.
Marisa: "get right back where we started from" plays as you throw a laptop overboard.
Dave: Voice Over starts: "Turns out, what I was looking for wasn't on Tumblr, or Facebook, or any website."
Marisa: hahaha
Dave: *after the credits you see a dolphin using the laptop
Marisa: Dolphin winks to camera
Dave: FADE TO BLACK!
GUESTBREAKER: Your Awful Taste in Television
While I’ll concede to flipping to 90210 every once in a while, it’s just for the lulz. Loaded 15 year olds who think the world is collapsing on them isn’t exactly my idea of riveting and engaging entertainment and I wouldn’t go join a fan group on Facebook for it. What? That was just a dare? Fine, but how do you explain these tickets to the Hannah Montana movie? I hope you didn’t seriously think I was going with you to see that. Wait, hang on a sec. Is that… did you fill my TiVo with Greek and reruns of Zoey 101? You need to leave now.A Guest Dealbreaker written by Paul Chin.
I’m on a roll.
GUESTBREAKER: You Talk Like the Internet
I’m glad we decided to stay in tonight. I still can’t believe how many stand up DVD’s you own. Man, Bill Cosby just might be the funniest man in history. This is so great. We should do this more often. Wait, did you just say “hilar”? Yeah, I think he’s hilarious too. I just stopped “lolling” because I realized those extra two syllables weren’t coming. It’s getting late. I should go.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Bob Walles. Go see his amazing variety show, The Moon, at Royal Oak in Brooklyn.
I think I’m in love with Dave & Marisa.
Your White Dreads
The mere smell of your patchouli oil (that you have to constantly rub on those things to keep them together) fills me with dread. I am starting to dread seeing you. Your hair is dreadful. Do you see where I’m going with this? Of course you don’t.
YESS!!
You Love ‘I Love College.’
I am dumping you as a tribute to the poor, underprivileged kids who are hoping and praying for a scholarship so that they can be the first in their family to graduate from some form of higher education. All they want is a chance to get better jobs and make their parents proud. I hope you understand. Are you peeing in the sink? Jesus Christ, you’re peeing in my sink.
I thought I was the only one who thought this guy was a douchebag. Seriously, majoring in elementary education and all he EVER raps about is weed and other party foolishness.
Dealbreaker: I’m Your First Boyfriend
It’s bad enough that you LIED about having all these other boyfriends, trying to up your relationship credibility. I already know that I’m the bomb.com so quit playing like I’m nothing special. But it gets better still. Trying to keep up your charade of maturity only leads you to lie more and more about being acculturated and experienced in the ways of the world (that’s what we grown folk say when we mean: you come off as a douche when you try to act intelligent). And of course, who can forget what this is all REALLY about. Sorry if I don’t want to be your first shot of self-esteem. My bad luck with girls is already a statistical marvel so I’m just gonna call it quits before you get too pleased with yourself and think you can do better than ME (the bomb.com, remember?). You’ve got a lot of nerve telling your friends I was “the best boyfriend ever, despite our differences”. I’m curious as to what put me over your Ken doll.
If you couldn’t tell, Dave and Marisa are pretty much my heroes. I seem to be in the business of broken deals and so do they!
